my heart actually broke for God.
now, i know that sounds like God did something bad and my heart broke for Him, but that's not the case at all. i think i just don't know how else to explain what i'm feeling right now.
so i started reading ezekiel a little while ago, and for 15 chapters, i continued to read about how the Lord was so angry with Israel. the chapters seemed to echo each other, one after another, about how Jerusalem was an "abomination", and how they would be destroyed so that they knew that "I am the Lord".
for a while i thought, okay, i get the point! they were screwing up, and God was gunna do something about it. i didn't quite understand why it was so repetitive, or even why God was this angry with the people. i began to think, maybe i don't really understand God's wrath afterall. or maybe i'm missing something. why is this book so hard to read? i was trying to get something out of it to apply to my life. and that was just beyond selfish. the bible is god's story to us, and we are fortunate enough to be a part of His story. we're most definitely not here to mold God's story to constantly fit ours.
finally i decided, i'm going to journal about this. i wanted to write down some of the questions i had so that i could ask someone about it or look it up. and while doing it, i just realized how much i didn't understand. how i clearly could not see or understand God's wrath. i even thought to myself, how would i ever explain this to a nonbeliever? i don't even get it myself.
But God [ha, russell] is just funny like that. and LOW AND BEHOLD, in the very next chapter came all of the answers i was looking for. God really broke it down for me. and i realized, that i was really breaking down for God. The chapter revealed the whole story, back to the beginning during the creation of israel. the Lord explained how he loved his people so much, how he loved them when they knew no love, clothed them when they had no clothes, and just treated them so well. but then they became "whores", metaphorically [and i'm sure realistically as well], making themselves vaulted chambers at the corner of every street, sacrificing their children [or God's own children, rather], and making shrines for themselves.
God just wanted to love them. He wanted to give them the world.
But they took advantage of that. God says, "So you were different from other women in your whorings. No one solicited you to play the whore, and you gave payment, while no payment was given to you; therefore you were different". Wow, that is the ultimate sentence of disappointment. that was when my heart just started to break for God. it's like, we as humans completely stabbed him in the back, when he just wanted to give to us. No wonder He had wrath. Look at the things we've done! And sooo much more.
It just made me realize how absolutely thankful i am to call Jesus my Lord and Savior. He didn't have to do these things for me, He didn't have to rescue me from my sins and myself, but He did. and He loves me more than I deserve.
i'm just kind of in awe right now, as i'm slowly starting to peel back the layers and understand the character and traits of the Lord. I'm so grateful that He didn't keep me waiting with all my questions, and that He just revealed the answers to me, and so much more.
TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY. though i have much to do, and lots of work on my plate, i feel so ready to take on the world. the Lord gives me the strength and confidence to do what i gotta do.
i pray that whoever reads this just gets at least a little bit out of it. i don't mean to scare anyone away with all of these deep deep thoughts, but i just pray that you too would one day feel and experience this amazing life that i now know :)
♥nicky
