speaking on wednesday.

and i'm scared, yet OH SO excited.

BUT! i need prayer.

so please pray for me? KAY THANKS. :)

my heart grows daily.

today was a ridiculous day. god has placed a lot of feelings on my heart. 

i'm praying for those who need it the most. it's not always easy to love the ones who persecute you. and moreover, those whom you don't even know.

i have A LOT to say. and i mean A LOT! but that will come later. i'm a busy bee.

♥

2 WEEKS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!

that's 14 days to a T, my friends. and yes, it'll be my 21st! BOOYA.

i slept in til 10:30 today. amazing. but i think im getting sick. =/ blahhh. anyways. gotta finish up my project before i run off to class to bs it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN TAGLIAMONTE! ♥♥♥

mm whatcha say.

hahahaha. i think this phrase was used over any other this weekend. :) anyways. EPIC weekend. retreat in long beach. have SO much to write about. butttt. i am on the verge of getting sick, so i think i need to sleep instead.

BUT. i do have to say. that i want new lens. The Canon EF 50mm 1.8 in particular. :) they're affordable and will add some spice to my photos. haha. i think i shall purchase them SOON! i also want an off camera flash. but i think i need to figure out how to do lighting better before i attempt purchasing that.   so yeah. randomness! but that's me.

and lastly, I LOVE MY EPIC FAMILY. praise God for every one of you. you complete me<3

feeling the same way all over again.

it's the thing that which cannot be said. the one thing that always gets me. and of course something needs to be said. i've known that, and i've been there. but still the words are unable to leave my mouth. still, i am unable to articulate how i'm feeling.

maybe i'm misinterpreting. maybe it's all lies. but what i do know, is that this feeling is all too real. i want to give it up, i'm trying to (believe me), i just don't know how.

this can't be happening. again and again, it seems like i'll never know how to fix this one. i'm thinkin the solution is love...God's love, through me. but how? that is the question.


and then at the same time, i find myself juggling just about every other thing in life. i'm feeling lost more than ever. and it's funny, because that might be one of the last things that i ever feel. i'm a girl who usually knows what she wants, knows her plans, knows her life.  yet strangely enough, i feel as if i've stepped out--and am watching myself through a window. like my life is happening right before my eyes, and i can't feel a thing. everything is moving too fast--and i simply can't keep up.  i'm sitting here trying to enjoy my last year, yet i find myself struggling just to get through each and every day.  so i feel lost because time is running out. and it's becoming an all too scary reality--that i don't know what my life will look like in just a matter of 6 months. i don't know where i'll be, what i'll do, or what i'll want.

although i have every power to make those decisions for myself, i remain stumped by the latter--i don't know what i want.  and more over, i don't know what God wants.


i'm struggling. and i'm not afraid to admit it... it may not seem that way, as i find myself laughing, smiling, & genuinely having a good time with everyone around, but behind closed doors i find myself alone and truly struggling. i still can't find myself beneath the layers.  i'm not even sure if i've even discovered myself to begin with.


AND. the saddest part of it is. i KNOW the solution. the solution is God. but why can't i pick myself up? why can't i run to the one person who truly makes me feel whole again? there's something missing. and i think it's me. i'm hidden beneath the activities, the schoolwork, the stress, the drama--LIFE. i need to find a way to get out of this hole.

tonight hit me like a ton of bricks. im not that happy. plain and simple. i let everything else in this world effect me.  my friendships, my work, my pride, my life. but these THINGS, these worldly things, are fleating. God is eternal. and i know the solution. though i have both parts of the puzzle, it's just a matter of putting them together. but somehow i just can't do it.

yes, this is a pathetic cry for help. and no, i don't care. but i know God does, and that's the only attention i need right now.

in the meantime, i'm still lost.

i need to chill out.

non stop. all day everyday. i need a  b r e a k.

and i'm still transitioning.



but i do it all for His glory ♥