it's the thing that which cannot be said. the one thing that always gets me. and of course something needs to be said. i've known that, and i've been there. but still the words are unable to leave my mouth. still, i am unable to articulate how i'm feeling.
maybe i'm misinterpreting. maybe it's all lies. but what i do know, is that this feeling is all too real. i want to give it up, i'm trying to (believe me), i just don't know how.
this can't be happening. again and again, it seems like i'll never know how to fix this one. i'm thinkin the solution is love...God's love, through me. but how? that is the question.
and then at the same time, i find myself juggling just about every other thing in life. i'm feeling lost more than ever. and it's funny, because that might be one of the last things that i ever feel. i'm a girl who usually knows what she wants, knows her plans, knows her life. yet strangely enough, i feel as if i've stepped out--and am watching myself through a window. like my life is happening right before my eyes, and i can't feel a thing. everything is moving too fast--and i simply can't keep up. i'm sitting here trying to enjoy my last year, yet i find myself struggling just to get through each and every day. so i feel lost because time is running out. and it's becoming an all too scary reality--that i don't know what my life will look like in just a matter of 6 months. i don't know where i'll be, what i'll do, or what i'll want.
although i have every power to make those decisions for myself, i remain stumped by the latter--i don't know what i want. and more over, i don't know what God wants.
i'm struggling. and i'm not afraid to admit it... it may not seem that way, as i find myself laughing, smiling, & genuinely having a good time with everyone around, but behind closed doors i find myself alone and truly struggling. i still can't find myself beneath the layers. i'm not even sure if i've even discovered myself to begin with.
AND. the saddest part of it is. i KNOW the solution. the solution is God. but why can't i pick myself up? why can't i run to the one person who truly makes me feel whole again? there's something missing. and i think it's me. i'm hidden beneath the activities, the schoolwork, the stress, the drama--LIFE. i need to find a way to get out of this hole.
tonight hit me like a ton of bricks. im not that happy. plain and simple. i let everything else in this world effect me. my friendships, my work, my pride, my life. but these THINGS, these worldly things, are fleating. God is eternal. and i know the solution. though i have both parts of the puzzle, it's just a matter of putting them together. but somehow i just can't do it.
yes, this is a pathetic cry for help. and no, i don't care. but i know God does, and that's the only attention i need right now.
in the meantime, i'm still lost.
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:( This is all sad to hear Nicky. I don't know when the next time we'll have a good chat is, so I'll just say a few words on here, although I won't go that far into it. Just my opinions though. The line that always gets me thinking is when someone talks about finding themselves, discovering themselves, etc. Just me, but I honestly don't think that's something anyone should try and do. I mean that as positively as can be, reasong being that you're always changing, so is the world around you, and every single thing in it. With your beliefs, while God might be the only constant, he too is changing in a certain sense, because the people are an extension of God, we are his children, and we are changing not just day by day, but hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, and moment by moment. So if we're changing, and God lives within us, and God as a whole is a human concept, then God is changing with us. The thing that remains, is that he is good, great, all knowing, loving, caring, etc., and that's the kinda stuff you gotta remember for yourself too, you know? You don't need to discover yourself, you just need to know that whoever you are or whoever you end up being, you are friendly, caring, loving, have an undeniably positive presence, and easily one of the most beautiful girls like, ever. :) Anyways. Take care.
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