who am i?: part 1

last night we had our second women's time.  leading up to project, i never ever would've thought that i'd be so greatly affected by this time. i've always struggled with this time, and never expected it to be this intense for me. but shoot, God's just crazy like that.

in reflection of last night, i've begun to ask the question of, "who am i?". just like the zoolander movie clip, i don't know. all my life i've struggled with identity, and now i feel like i'm finally beginning to unpack the deepest parts of it. i think i'm going to share this in a series though. cuz it's just gunna be too dang long otherwise!

anyways, it all started with questioning and wanting to understand my identity as a woman. for a good chunk of my life i found it hard to accept the fact that i was a girl. i have three brothers, a million boy cousins, and just have surrounded myself with boys (as well as my select few close girlfriends) for as long as i can remember. so many times i'd think to myself how much i HATED being a girl. how hard it was for me, and how much i didn't fit in--as both a boy and a girl.

especially with my brothers. when i was about 9 years old, my parents moved my oldest younger brother out of our room and into the room next door with my 2 other younger brothers. i remember how utterly alone i felt, and how i didn't understand why i was so different that they had to move him. although we were separated by just 1 thin wall, i felt as if i was forced to be by myself for some unknown reason. and so, to avoid this feeling, i proceeded to spend an entire year sharing a bed with my oldest younger brother in their room every night. i'd go in my room to change in the day, and store my stuff there, but i'd spend all the rest of my time in their room. i never wanted to be alone. i never wanted to be separated. (cute, ya? the 4 of us. hahaha) but yeah, i think that might've been the first time i truly questioned my identity as a woman.

later in life, i continued to cling to men. i grew up in middle school desperate for a boy, desperate for someone to like me the way i liked them. someone i thought that i could connect with. although i did have a group of girlfriends, deep down inside i knew i would drop them in a minute for that one boy. and as my freshman year in high school hit, that is exactly what happened. i had my first boyfriend and i literally dropped all of my friends for him. i thought that this one guy could satisfy everything i needed. i felt that no girl could ever understand me the way that a guy could. and boy was i wrong.

but then God captured my heart. when i was 18, he showed me that no girl OR guy could ever amount to the great love and understanding that He would have for me.

and although it took many years to come out of feeling like i previously had, i feel i still struggle with with this. i still feel vastly different, deep down inside. i still feel out of place with both men and women . even though i have learned to LOVE women, and even learned to see and value the connections i have with them, i still very much suffer from understanding my identity as a woman. last night was revisiting those feelings. and realizing that YES, i am a woman. and that YES, there are differences that i experience, but that God has made me exactly the way I was supposed to me. that i am his workmanship. oh gosh, there is so so much more. and i am still struggling profusely with this topic in my life. still feeling different, still feeling alone. but i'm a work in progress, and i know that God will deliver me.

psalm 139 has been hugely affecting me this past week. i encourage you all to check it out (:

anyway, intense stuff! gotta rush to campus time now. i'm late. oopppsss.
much love<3, nicky.

you set me free.

so i've tried about 4 times now to write a blog entry. WITH NO AVAIL! hahaha. ima keep this short, just so that i can actually finish something. haha.


let's just start this off with the honest truth. i'm walking through some ish right now. haha there, i said it! truth is out. i truly am learning to breathe. and it's funny, because i feel like i blog about that quite often!

anyway, although i'm going through some things right now, i feel like God just has the perfect timing. right when i'm at the height of it, he sends that perfect person into your life at the precise moment that you need it. HE DRAWS YOU NEAR. even when you feel like you don't have the energy, strength, or heart to reach a little further, God just scoops us up into His arms and brings us closer to Him. closer to love.

Today God picked me up through a conversation with my college roommate, jamie♥. however short it was, i must say that it was SO SWEET. it was one of those conversations where i just knew that God was speaking through her during the conversation. wow. now that's a blessing.  just hearing from someone i used to talk to EVERYDAY was such a calming relief. and then for her to tell me about her amazing 1st week in Japan on summer project was so cool. and to top it off, for her to speak such truth into my life was more than profound.

i knew there was something different about today.

i love that God speaks to me. i love that He never lets me go. i love that He chooses to work THROUGH people, including me. i love that He loves me.

and although i'm not exactly having the easiest time, i'm being crazy blessed with comfort left and right. i need to constantly remind myself that everything really is going to be okay. because God's in control. and he's got this!

anyway, time to go on a date with my discipler<3 more later. please pray (:

♥nicky

and back again (:

ALOHA from O'ahu Hawai'i!

i'm just gunna jump right into it and say that God has already taught me an amazing lesson: HE PROVIDES. while we were at a $60,000 deficit a day and a half prior to leaving, we were able to raise about 3/4 of that and everyone on my team was able to come! it was such a special moment my team and i shared as we we told the good news (: BIG MAHALO to all you who supported my team and i both financially and prayerfully. i was so touched by all of your care, efforts, and just LOVE for our mission. and although i still need to raise about $500 more throughout the duration of the project, i am confident that God will provide. I mean, we saw our deficit go from $60,000 to less than $20,000 in a matter of one full DAY. so i ain't trippin (; but that's crazy, ah?

anyway, we arrived here safely at around 11am HI time yesterday! can't believe we're actually here. we had a smooth flight, and a chill move-in. the dorms here are SO nice. much better than my crappy trash can dorms last summer! haha. i'm living in a suite with the beautiful annalynn as my roommate! amanda and her roommate rebecca are our suitemates. SO BLESSED to have such an awesome suite♥

also, can i just say. the rooms have AIR CONDITION! hallelujah. such and upgrade from last year. haha. it's always nice to come back to a cool room (; they're the newest dorms on campus, with all new furniture and all. i'm quite excited to be living here for the next month and a half.

aside from all that jazz, some feelings i've been experiencing lately have been somewhat surprising for me? i think i'm just in a really weird state of mind after leaving california. i think i still just haven't had the chance to process all of the recent BIG changes i've been through. from finishing up with Epic, to graduating, to moving out, and saying goodbye to all my college friends, from saying goodbye and leaving my family, friends, and grant at home, to packing my life away to move here to HI, to briefing, and now arriving here in HI. EESH that's a lot! and to be honest, i haven't really thought through a lot of it. right now i'm feeling a lot of mixed stuff, with being excited for project and finally arriving in HI, to just missing california and home SO SO much. not that i'm one who gets homesick easily, but it's more of the realization that i may not be returning home for a very long long time. and moreover, realizing that Hawai'i is my new home. it is so surreal! i'm just thankful that i am on project first to ease into it and prepare my heart for this huge life change.

GOD IS SO GOOD THOUGH. He continually comforts me, and reminds me that He indeed has called me to be here, learning to love and serve His people--the people of Hawai'i. it was a calling that was far too strong to turn down, and one that i knew would be in some ways difficult for me. i'm excited to unfold the things He'll be teaching me and my team this summer, and just the amazing experiences we're about to have!

speaking of which, we went to waimea bay today (: surprisingly, i hadn't been to this beach before! i absolutely loved it. the weather was amazing, and the water was crystal clear. OH, and i even jumped off the big rock! about 2 stories or more in height, i still can't believe i leaped off that thang. from the highway it seems so enormous! haha i think it was much easier because i strategized and decided that i would not look over the edge until it was my turn to jump, and then i'd just do it without looking. HA! i know, scaredy cat, me (; whate'er, i still did it. haha. anyway, all in all a fun & relaxing day!

i'm not sure how the rest of the week will pan out, but i hope to be able to blog again very soon! thanks all for your support and love (: and just for reading this!

until next time,
<3nicky.

OH and PS. here's my address if you wanna be penpals with me!
Nicky Leong
EPIC Movement
2569 Dole St.
Honolulu, HI 96822

r e a l i t y.

now originally, i thought that my next post would be all about graduation, my transition, and the crazy feelings i've been feeling since having to say goodbye to my friends and family. and although i will eventually get there, there has been a much bigger pressing on my heart that i feel compelled to write about.

as many of you know, i left on thursday to come to Costa Mesa, California for summer project briefing until we take off on sunday! (briefing is a small conference where all of EPIC's summer short term missions trips come together and prepare for our upcoming trips) since arriving, i've literally hit the ground running with activities, messages, and just time spent with my brothers and sisters. although it has been lots of fun thus far, reality hit this afternoon as our staff directors announced that as a team, we still needed to raise $60,000. and that potentially some of our team members would not be able to go.

this immediately sent my thoughts and feelings into a flurry of emotions, as i wondered how $60,000 was even possible to be in a deficit in, how we were going to raise that much money in TWO DAYS, and how badly I felt for contributing to that total. i myself have $1,000 left to raise. and although that sounds like a minuscule amount in comparison to the grandiose total of $60,000, $1,000 is still a significant amount that i still very much need to raise!

i'm trying hard not to be discouraged, and i'm trying hard to depend on God. but i'll be honest with you all, it's not easy. with 30 other team members running around feeling just as stressed as i am, it feels like we're just all going crazy! but my God is a god of COMFORT.

today during worship, the song, "Be the Centre" was played. it'd been almost 1 year since i last heard that song (or at least that i can remember? haha). anyway, that song brought me back to my art project back in junior year --> where it was the most LABOR INTENSIVE, emotionally, and physically exhausting project i have EVER completed. and it was based off of this song, where i wanted to share with as many people on my campus as possible this great love i've found in God.

throughout the process of installing my project, it took a LOT of faith and dependence on God, that he would carry me through this. i worked hours upon hours both planning, installing, and de-installing it.

This is how I feel about raising the rest of our support. i'm going to have to fully trust that God will provide, not only for me, but for my teammates as well. it's going to require a lot of time, energy, emotions, and prayer. i have $1000 to raise by sunday. but my God is the reason. He'll be the one to bring in the rest, and He's the reason my heart lies in Hawai'i. i know that He will provide.

i would love if any of you could, first and foremost, PRAY.
-pray for my team, as we work towards raising $60,000 together, as we push through our last day in California, and just for their hearts to be ready and willing as we begin project together!
-pray for my support, as i work towards raising my final $1,000 and just learn how to trust in God.
-pray for Hawai'i! the harvest is plenty, but the laborers are few

For those of you who know me well, or even don't know me well, know that i have a HUGE heart for Hawai'i. God has been calling me there since last summer, and has placed this overwhelming desire within me to just serve there. I've been so so blessed with this opportunity to go there, and i'm almost there! i just have $1,000 left to raise.

And if you even feel that God has placed on your heart to give financially, I would appreciate that so so much as well. I'm trying to ask 20 people to contribute $50, but really, ANYTHING HELPS! Even $5. You can mail checks to
-EPIC Movement
  Attn: Lucy Kaneshiro
  16 Technology Dr. Ste. #205
  Irvine, CA 92618

Or you can give online at: https://give.ccci.org/give/View/5554181, but please let me know how much you've decided to give so that i can properly thank you!

And lastly, if you do feel called to give, I just ask that you would do this as soon as possible, and please let me know how much because we need to turn in our figures by sunday and i would also like to thank you as soon as possible!

thank you all so much for just bearing with me, and listening to me ramble. through it all, i am so blessed.

amen.
<3nicky