who am i?: part 1

last night we had our second women's time.  leading up to project, i never ever would've thought that i'd be so greatly affected by this time. i've always struggled with this time, and never expected it to be this intense for me. but shoot, God's just crazy like that.

in reflection of last night, i've begun to ask the question of, "who am i?". just like the zoolander movie clip, i don't know. all my life i've struggled with identity, and now i feel like i'm finally beginning to unpack the deepest parts of it. i think i'm going to share this in a series though. cuz it's just gunna be too dang long otherwise!

anyways, it all started with questioning and wanting to understand my identity as a woman. for a good chunk of my life i found it hard to accept the fact that i was a girl. i have three brothers, a million boy cousins, and just have surrounded myself with boys (as well as my select few close girlfriends) for as long as i can remember. so many times i'd think to myself how much i HATED being a girl. how hard it was for me, and how much i didn't fit in--as both a boy and a girl.

especially with my brothers. when i was about 9 years old, my parents moved my oldest younger brother out of our room and into the room next door with my 2 other younger brothers. i remember how utterly alone i felt, and how i didn't understand why i was so different that they had to move him. although we were separated by just 1 thin wall, i felt as if i was forced to be by myself for some unknown reason. and so, to avoid this feeling, i proceeded to spend an entire year sharing a bed with my oldest younger brother in their room every night. i'd go in my room to change in the day, and store my stuff there, but i'd spend all the rest of my time in their room. i never wanted to be alone. i never wanted to be separated. (cute, ya? the 4 of us. hahaha) but yeah, i think that might've been the first time i truly questioned my identity as a woman.

later in life, i continued to cling to men. i grew up in middle school desperate for a boy, desperate for someone to like me the way i liked them. someone i thought that i could connect with. although i did have a group of girlfriends, deep down inside i knew i would drop them in a minute for that one boy. and as my freshman year in high school hit, that is exactly what happened. i had my first boyfriend and i literally dropped all of my friends for him. i thought that this one guy could satisfy everything i needed. i felt that no girl could ever understand me the way that a guy could. and boy was i wrong.

but then God captured my heart. when i was 18, he showed me that no girl OR guy could ever amount to the great love and understanding that He would have for me.

and although it took many years to come out of feeling like i previously had, i feel i still struggle with with this. i still feel vastly different, deep down inside. i still feel out of place with both men and women . even though i have learned to LOVE women, and even learned to see and value the connections i have with them, i still very much suffer from understanding my identity as a woman. last night was revisiting those feelings. and realizing that YES, i am a woman. and that YES, there are differences that i experience, but that God has made me exactly the way I was supposed to me. that i am his workmanship. oh gosh, there is so so much more. and i am still struggling profusely with this topic in my life. still feeling different, still feeling alone. but i'm a work in progress, and i know that God will deliver me.

psalm 139 has been hugely affecting me this past week. i encourage you all to check it out (:

anyway, intense stuff! gotta rush to campus time now. i'm late. oopppsss.
much love<3, nicky.