steadfast love.

blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. james 1:12.

the title of my blog continues to speak for itself.

as i sit amidst the whirlwind of events that are my life, i begin to realize that there are few certainties that will remain as the future unfolds.

i believe that 1. GOD will be forever constant in my life. but then, there are no numbers to follow. just realizing that this life is not my own. and that truly ANYTHING could happen.

now, that is both an awesome yet terrifying realization that i know i'm not quite ready for. i guess i'm just asking for prayer once again. i'm really uncertain about a lot of things in my life right now, and i'm truly just learning to breathe.  i'm trying to fight the urge to predict, plan, or get comfortable with what i merely think is to come. because quite frankly, i'm not the one that decides the future at all.

things are unfolding, and i'm beginning to understand. but i'm scared out of my MIND. what i thought i once wanted, may not even be what's best for me. and what i thought was best for me, might not even be that either.  it's just all a  b i g   f a t   m e s s.   hiding in my mind.

i guess that's where faith comes in. and just trusting that it'll all work out in one way or another. it's interesting because god has been using jamie lately to speak into my life about being comfortable with my decisions. she tells me that whatever path i choose to take, God knows, and i will one day end up right where He always wanted me to be. and that'll happen whether i take the long way or the short way. (thank you bebot♥. OH and thank you for letting me use your computer!)

but yes'm. that's my ramble of the day.. i realize my recent blogs haven't been too happy go lucky (with the exception of my last entry), so i will try to write more positively. i think i've just got a lot on my plate, and a lot on my mind. i will rejoice though, no worry beef curry :)

♥nickkayyy

epic sb loves epic slo.

now that's what i'm talkin BOUT. haha. epic conference was such a sweet time spent with the Lord, but personally & communally! i think one of the things that i felt blessed with the most was the amazing friendships we formed with our big brother, EPIC SLO. i can say that we truly look up to them & it was just so nice to bond with one another once again. :) which brings me to last night! last night was my first performace with ITO, a polynesican dancing club on campus. man was i scared! i barely mentioned it to SLO people at conference, and BAM, they came all the way down to support me. i can't even express how touched i was by that. and not only by them, but by my own friends here in sb. god has blessed me unbelievably with the people i have in my life, and just reflecting on it makes me happier than i even realize. next week i'll be traveling up on thursday to check out SLO's large group meeting & gain some more insight for epic here at ucsb. i'm super stoked!

anyway, the performance went really well, and i had SO much fun. just thought i'd make it more known that SB ♥'s SLO! haha. that is all. :)

pray for mee

i need prayer.


in one word, i'd have to describe this weekend as, well, emotional. not in any particular way positively or negatively, but just plain emotional.  i experienced a lot, missed out on a lot, and learned a lot. which could all be potentially good & bad things. but all i know is that i feel completely DRAINED. this conference was not like last year. (again, not in either a good or bad way, just was) maybe it's because this year i came as a core leader that it was so different? i'm not quite sure. but the point is, i'm asking for prayer. i've got a lot on my plate, a lot to deal with, but no energy to handle it all. i've been feeling a bit anxious lately as well, but God comforted me with the passage in Luke 12:22-34. so yeah, please just pray for rejuvenation, for a return to my normal self, and the ability to fully rejoice in the Lord with a sufficient amount of energy.

mahalo.
♥nicky

4.5

with LESS THAN two quarters left here in santa barbara, i'm wondering if everyone else realizes how short that is. it's about 4.5 months, really. which is only roughly 135 days. while it could sound like a while, as the day count is in the 3-digits, it sure won't feel like it. this has become a very REAL timeline for me. in 4.5 months, my life will be completely different. i will soon be almost 3000 miles away from home and across the pacific ocean. now, maybe it's because I'M the one whose moving, or maybe it's because i just think about the future a lot, but i often wonder if people realize that i'm leaving leaving.  that there will be no road trip visits, no hanging out on the weekends, no random get togethers, or meeting halfway. i'll be gone, & for a whole year at the minimum. and i know this all sounds so harsh, but i'm just really hoping that we can spend our time together more wisely. and that this would be a reality for everyone else as much as it is for me. i want this time to be memorable, i want to remain close afterwards. maybe i'm just scared to think what will happen after i'm gone. will people think of me? will my relationships survive? who will stick with it? and how will things be when i come back?

ah. i hate when i start thinking like this. it isn't healthy. but last night sure didn't help. sometimes i just wonder if the person who's supposed to be pursuing me the most is pursuing me at all. I'M LEAVING. what does that mean to you? i sure know what that means to me. and i'm scared out of my socks. (that's why i mostly wear slippers. HAHA, sorry, i had to make a joke, this downtroddenness is too much for me)

anyway, my point is, i'm frustrated. my schedule is overbooked, and i barely have any time to myself. but that's OKAY. i'll have plenty of time to catch up on it when i'm gone. i'm willing to sacrifice it to spend time with all of you.  TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. so, even if you're feeling lazy, awkward, uncomfortable, weird, unwilling, or just plain don't want to, please spend time with me. we might not ever have an opportunity like this again. i know, it's a very sobering reality. but why? firstly, quality time is my receiving love language, and it means the most to me. secondly, i'm leaving. and thirdly, 4.5 months. i'm not saying that anyone's doing a bad job, but last night was just unnecessary. i don't even know what happened. all i know is that an hour and a half was wasted. could have done everything i wanted to do, could have seen each other, could have been different. it's just extra hard to justify when the proximity is two houses down. but yea, i just want to be pursued.

i still need to update on being back at school, hardships with my family, and epic. maybe when i'm in a better mood i'll continue. until then, happy thursdayyy