4.5

with LESS THAN two quarters left here in santa barbara, i'm wondering if everyone else realizes how short that is. it's about 4.5 months, really. which is only roughly 135 days. while it could sound like a while, as the day count is in the 3-digits, it sure won't feel like it. this has become a very REAL timeline for me. in 4.5 months, my life will be completely different. i will soon be almost 3000 miles away from home and across the pacific ocean. now, maybe it's because I'M the one whose moving, or maybe it's because i just think about the future a lot, but i often wonder if people realize that i'm leaving leaving.  that there will be no road trip visits, no hanging out on the weekends, no random get togethers, or meeting halfway. i'll be gone, & for a whole year at the minimum. and i know this all sounds so harsh, but i'm just really hoping that we can spend our time together more wisely. and that this would be a reality for everyone else as much as it is for me. i want this time to be memorable, i want to remain close afterwards. maybe i'm just scared to think what will happen after i'm gone. will people think of me? will my relationships survive? who will stick with it? and how will things be when i come back?

ah. i hate when i start thinking like this. it isn't healthy. but last night sure didn't help. sometimes i just wonder if the person who's supposed to be pursuing me the most is pursuing me at all. I'M LEAVING. what does that mean to you? i sure know what that means to me. and i'm scared out of my socks. (that's why i mostly wear slippers. HAHA, sorry, i had to make a joke, this downtroddenness is too much for me)

anyway, my point is, i'm frustrated. my schedule is overbooked, and i barely have any time to myself. but that's OKAY. i'll have plenty of time to catch up on it when i'm gone. i'm willing to sacrifice it to spend time with all of you.  TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. so, even if you're feeling lazy, awkward, uncomfortable, weird, unwilling, or just plain don't want to, please spend time with me. we might not ever have an opportunity like this again. i know, it's a very sobering reality. but why? firstly, quality time is my receiving love language, and it means the most to me. secondly, i'm leaving. and thirdly, 4.5 months. i'm not saying that anyone's doing a bad job, but last night was just unnecessary. i don't even know what happened. all i know is that an hour and a half was wasted. could have done everything i wanted to do, could have seen each other, could have been different. it's just extra hard to justify when the proximity is two houses down. but yea, i just want to be pursued.

i still need to update on being back at school, hardships with my family, and epic. maybe when i'm in a better mood i'll continue. until then, happy thursdayyy