the moment i've been waiting for.

today i found out i got accepted to go on the epic hawaii summer project 2010. it was such a pleasant surprise waking up to this e-mail, knowing that God has chosen me to be used this summer as a part of the epic team :)

now my planning process can truly begin! in the near future i'll be looking into flights, writing my support letter, brainstorming fundraising ideas, and just getting ready to go.

i couldn't be more stoked, more excited, and more in love with God. this summer will surely be one i will never forget. i can't wait to be out and about, everyday sharing God's great story to the untold world.  ♥

but on the flip side... just 2 days ago it dawned on me, that maybe returning to cali for a month after summer project ends may not be the best idea. especially for me economically. which means. i will be buying a one-way ticket and IT'S FORREAL NOW. 3 months and counting until i am no longer a cali resident. and as excited as i am to embark on this new adventure, i must admit that i'm really quite sad. i'll be leaving my friends, family, boyfriend, dog, and comfortable life in less than 100 days.

each day now seems to mean so much more, and each day is just a reminder of how i truly need to live this last quarter up to it's full potential. i just hope that people will want to join me. i know the world does not revolve around me, but i really do hope people will remember how soon it is that i'm leaving. or how important it is to me that we spend time together. which is why i'm starting to think that i may not take on another job. so that i'll have time to spend with the people i love. i just pray that they'll make time for me too.

_________________________________________________________

so i wrote all that above the line before i went to the prayershed. and now i'm back. and i couldn't be more jumbled up. i felt like i was trying so hard to get in this groove with God, to really listen to Him, seek Him, and just be intimate with Him.  but the whole time, i felt like my thoughts were so scattered, that i was all over the place, and that i was just not reaching this place of worship that i had hoped for. i don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. i truly want to trust Him, follow Him, and just be obedient in my walk. but i feel as if i can't even pinpoint those things because my mind is everywhere.

i'm constantly jumping from one thought to another, trying to reach some solid ground.

and to be honest, it's getting a little frustrating. i know it's not a try harder thing, but i think just not being able to hold down my own thoughts is just not fun. i feel very confused...and im not even sure what about. it's just a feeling. that i've probably gotta take up with God.

sorry for this jumble of thoughts, it's all that's coming to mind right now. and don't worry about me, i'm just trying to sort things out.

♥nicky

the last leg.

here i am, in the last leg of the race.

not sure how i'm going to make it to the finish line, but it's coming--with or without me. i have a massive project, a final assignment, and a final standing between me and the close of my college education. 2 of the 3 will be due exactly 1 week from today. 

i'm gasping for air, i don't know how i'm going to do it.

for the first time in college, i'm actually struggling with my grades. i've come so far, and it'd be truly depressing to drop in the last quarter of my last year. so i'm working my butt off, doing what i can. it's tough though, and i'm barely hanging on. 

i keep reminding myself, this is the last leg. especially this week. in 7 painstaking days, most of it will be ALL OVER. i need strength though.

and that's where God comes in. in fact, God needs to be all over this, and every aspect of my life.  sometimes i feel as if it's passing me by... i'm feeling all these things, wanting to spend true quality time with the Lord, but the circumstances just aren't letting me. i map out my schedule everyday. and it goes hour by hour. person by person. work by work. i'm trying to do so much, i forget that sometimes i just need to breathe. haha ironic--again, as my blog title comes to mind over and over again. i'm still learning, still walking through it.

lately i've been just trying to assess what i want. that's a hard thing to discern. who truly knows that they want? if you do know, then you are very blessed. because i certainly don't. i have so many major major decisions to make within the next few months, and it's driving me crazy. and to be honest, i really haven't sought God on them as much as i'd like to. maybe i need a get away? or maybe i just need to make time.  either way, something's got to give.

just a lot on my plate, and a lot on my mind. maybe it's end of the quarter blues. who knows. but what i do know is that i need to get through this. the rest will follow. the Lord's got me.

♥nicky

i love love love, love love iration.

hooo my goshh. can i just say. that i am in LOVE?!

this weekend i went to SLO to see them (finally) play with passafire & the expendables. last time jo and i tried to see them at West Beach Fest but sadly we left a little late & ended up listening to them from the line =/ we were CRUSHED.

so this was huge for me. and not to mention, they have a new album coming out in 2 weeks so i was stoked to hear them play some of their new songs!

anyhoo, the show was AMAZING. so good live. can't get ENOUGH. i could do without the punch i got to the face though...dang moshers. i'm just a little girl. and it's an effing reggae concert! who moshes at something so chill?! kind of annoying. but oh well. we held it dowwwn. (minus the getting punched part. ha!)

so and thennn. after the show, i got to MEET them! they asked if i was coming to their cd release and HECK YES i am! and then they signed my cd. haha i was very starstruck you could say. haha ask sarah eunice & mark. HAA.

but yeah, all in all i had a more than successful weekend in SLO. i miss it already. gotta get ready for the next show now. :) CD RELEASE BABY!

time for bed now though. til next timee.

♥nicky

big god.

does anyone know when this book comes out? i'm contemplating buying it off amazon but then i didn't know if reality was selling it & perhaps i should buy it through them instead? i dunnooo.  "alls i know" is that i gotta get me one of those!

besides that, just been realizing how difficult design layout is =/ i have all my WORD magazine stuff due on friday & i've only just begun. it's going to be a LONG night tomorrow night. and tonight. ohhh well. better get on that!

night♥

you can call me pandababy.

cause i'm definitely starting to follow the sleeping pattern of one.

went to bed at 9pm last night. CARAZZYYY. then i proceeded to take another multi-hour nap today. WHAT IS THIS?!

i think it means i need more sleep. and i'm not functioning too well on the focusing part.

henceforth, i think i'm going to forego the KP Showcase Performance, so that I can skip Polynesian Practice tonight. i think i need to get right with school =/

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

aside from that, can i just say. that i am in love with special olympics?! after going to several practices this weekend, interviewing the athletes, photographing them, and just being a part of the organization that which i work for, i've realized just how much joy it truly brings to my life.  starting back in high school, i used to volunteer at a kids camp for special needs individuals, and then also as a tennis coach through special olympics.  i was so impacted from those experiences alone, that i even wrote about them for my college essays! [haha they're probably the reason i got into UCSB!] continuing on in college, i still can't believe i scored a job with special olympics out here in santa barbara, because initially, i was far from qualified for the position (but i applied anyway). now, culminating into my last few months here working with special olympics, i've realized how much LIFE the athletes bring to my life.

i'm currently working on an expose/documentary of special olympics and the "r-word campaign" (can visit by clicking here) for my photography class. and as much as i was dreading all the work that i have been/would have to put in for it, i'm surprisingly enjoying it very much so.  i think spreading the word to end the word is an extremely important concept, that many are unaware of.  i'd have to say that i hear the word retard on a REGULAR basis. and it saddens me. it honestly stings when i hear it, and it's never even been directed at me. i can't even imagine how an athlete might feel.  in this way, i am soo thankful for this project. and just helping to bring this topic to light. if you have a spare moment, please check out the website! it'd do the world some good to just spread the word.

anyhoo, that's my ramble for the day. haha. i'm clearly trying to avoid doing my hw (;

♥nicky

for the first time.

my heart actually broke for God.

now, i know that sounds like God did something bad and my heart broke for Him, but that's not the case at all. i think i just don't know how else to explain what i'm feeling right now.

so i started reading ezekiel a little while ago, and for 15 chapters, i continued to read about how the Lord was so angry with Israel. the chapters seemed to echo each other, one after another, about how Jerusalem was an "abomination", and how they would be destroyed so that they knew that "I am the Lord".

for a while i thought, okay, i get the point! they were screwing up, and God was gunna do something about it.  i didn't quite understand why it was so repetitive, or even why God was this angry with the people. i began to think, maybe i don't really understand God's wrath afterall. or maybe i'm missing something.  why is this book so hard to read? i was trying to get something out of it to apply to my life. and that was just beyond selfish.  the bible is god's story to us, and we are fortunate enough to be a part of His story.  we're most definitely not here to mold God's story to constantly fit ours.

finally i decided, i'm going to journal about this. i wanted to write down some of the questions i had so that i could ask someone about it or look it up. and while doing it, i just realized how much i didn't understand. how i clearly could not see or understand God's wrath.  i even thought to myself, how would i ever explain this to a nonbeliever? i don't even get it myself.

But God [ha, russell] is just funny like that. and LOW AND BEHOLD, in the very next chapter came all of the answers i was looking for. God really broke it down for me. and i realized, that i was really breaking down for God.  The chapter revealed the whole story, back to the beginning during the creation of israel. the Lord explained how he loved his people so much, how he loved them when they knew no love, clothed them when they had no clothes, and just treated them so well. but then they became "whores", metaphorically [and i'm sure realistically as well], making themselves vaulted chambers at the corner of every street, sacrificing their children [or God's own children, rather], and making shrines for themselves.

God just wanted to love them. He wanted to give them the world.

But they took advantage of that. God says, "So you were different from other women in your whorings. No one solicited you to play the whore, and you gave payment, while no payment was given to you; therefore you were different". Wow, that is the ultimate sentence of disappointment.  that was when my heart just started to break for God.  it's like, we as humans completely stabbed him in the back, when he just wanted to give to us. No wonder He had wrath.  Look at the things we've done! And sooo much more.

It just made me realize how absolutely thankful i am to call Jesus my Lord and Savior.  He didn't have to do these things for me, He didn't have to rescue me from my sins and myself, but He did. and He loves me more than I deserve.

i'm just kind of in awe right now, as i'm slowly starting to peel back the layers and understand the character and traits of the Lord. I'm so grateful that He didn't keep me waiting with all my questions, and that He just revealed the answers to me, and so much more.

TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY. though i have much to do, and lots of work on my plate, i feel so ready to take on the world. the Lord gives me the strength and confidence to do what i gotta do.

i pray that whoever reads this just gets at least a little bit out of it. i don't mean to scare anyone away with all of these deep deep thoughts, but i just pray that you too would one day feel and experience this amazing life that i now know :)

♥nicky

the physical is attacking my emotional.

i am SO tired.

and i should probably go to bed right about now.

butttt. i just felt like blogging. ha!

it's crunch time now.  seems as though everything is piling up all of a sudden. and i think my lack of sleep or time to myself has really taken a toll on my emotional well-being.  i feel somewhat drained at the moment, but i think it's because i'm just physically THAT tired.

tonight's message at epic was rough.  the enemy always seems to have his way with me and public speaking... i was SO excited about this message today. but somehow he weasled his was in, at the most inappropriate time. maybe that's why i'm feeling this way right now? i don't know. I know God's got my back though, He always does. I just can't believe I let the enemy get the best of me, right as I was sharing the message! Bah.

on the bright side though, I had my appointment with the career services counselor today, and I am OH SO excited. she helped me through a lot, including formatting my resume, and doing better job research! we even found a job. that seems perfect for me! there was a listing for this communications group in HI with an opening that seemed to fit me exactly.  So I'm gunna do some more research and apply :) The Lord is so good.

anyway, time to go to bed! pray for me please. i need restttt.

♥nicky