i am not myself lately.

check it out at: http://nickyleong.tumblr.com

it’s been a loooong while.
haven’t written here for some time, my bad. been going through some crazy hard things. some things i just do not want to revisit. life is getting really tough, and i am merely trying to crawl out from this hole.
i am not myself lately.
i don’t know what it is, but i find myself feeling perpetually anxious, weird, afraid, scatterbrained, annoyed, sad, stressed, and just not me. i’m trying hard to process all that i’m going through, but i just don’t know how. i’ve realized that i have a tendency to stuff it & not deal with some of the tough things in my life, simply because i just don’t want to go there. but i’m now starting to see that it’s just far too much to continue on the way i used to. i need to face the music.
time to wake up and smell the roses. realize that i went through an extremely tough school year. went through things i thought i never would, left college with some loose ends not tied, and just utterly overwhelmed by the speed & volume of life transitions that happened in a matter of weeks. i need to realize and acknowledge that summer project was amazing, and now it is over. i’m out in hawaii on my own, & that i’m not having the easiest time learning how to be an adult…time to realize also that im only at the beginning. that i feel broken & struck down, but not destroyed. that i need to actually work through these things. and the first step is acknowledging that i actually have pain in my life.
yet in spite of all these difficulties, i’ve found an overwhelming comfort in the Lord. i’ve never felt more close to Him in my life. it feels like we’re walking hand in hand, and that i never wanna let go. on almost a daily basis He’s revealing things to me, whether it be through people, the word, or my own thoughts. He lets me know He’s there. when i feel like there’s nothing left, He gives me hope.
just the other day, i got this verse: “just as i was with moses, so will i be with you. i will not leave you or forsake you.” -joshua 1:5. how sweet is that? i am not alone.
anyway, prayer would be much appreciated. for strength, for hope, and for complete reliance on the Lord. MAHALO! i will try to update again soon. just been tough finding time with all the busy-ness going on..got friends still visiting til wed, got work, and just trying to figure out life! but yeah, that’s all for now, folks. paycee.

update from tumblr #3: feels like: defeated.

so over this car search thing..i just want my camry back :( first, had my heart set on this one..only to get completely let down (by no fault of the seller, but ya, it’s complicated) & now have to hunt for a car in the midst of starting work & having all my cali friends visiting. ive also had enough shady car people to last me for a long while. after yesterdays long and horrendous experience, i feel just about ready to throw in the towel. butttt, i can’t. because i just need a car that badly. it’s hard not knowing who to trust, how to do this, and even finding people to do this with me. i feel like i can’t even continue this search without a guy there with me. and then im just left feeling like a helpless little girl. and i hate that feeling. bah…
so frustrated with being so incredibly dependent on people & just not being able to get life started here for real. i never realized how much i took having a car for granted. but now, living all the way out in hawaii kai, starting work, & trying to just get around, i realize just how important it is to find one. but yea. ill stop complaining. my bad. im just having a really tough time. please pray. mahalo.

update from tumblr: ohmygosh about to explode into happiness; 2 weeks ago

WHY IS GOD SO GOOD?? i can hardly contain myself.
just had a girl visit earlier this afternoon…and GUESS WHAT?!
i just scored a new roomie!!!!!!!!!!!! i couldn’t be more stoked. she seems way chill & someone who i’ll be able to get along with quite well. gosh, in 1 week- a job, a car, AND a roomie. God really is opening doors for me, and continuing to pour out dem blesssingggsss. ♥
today should be a fun-filled day as well. just finished a quiettime with grant ♥ then got lunch & laying out in my backyard with the wonderful hannapang  (: then hanging out with miss taryn later tonight & having a little sleepover! CHEE! we may even have a little pizookie action. HOLLER.
then tomorrow i go in for my first day of work & on friday ALESSANDRA arrives! super stoked.
mm life is so good. god, you are b-e-a-utiful.
oh & another update: i just got a job interview tomorrow :) pray for me?

update from tumblr #2: all growed up. kind of.

today i had my second interview with prudential locations, a real estate agency out here. i’m hoping to get a marketing/production position, and get started on my career. WOAH, did i just say career? why, yes i did. (:
i feel so grown up lately. well, besides the fact that i need to bum rides off people WHEREVER i go. i never realized how tough it would be not having a car! few more weeks though, and then it’s allll mine. anyway, back to me being grown up!
it’s weird having to make all of these decisions and do most everything on my “own”. although i’m learning how to business, i have to give God mad props for just opening up SO many doors in my life.
coming off of project…i’m not gunna lie, i had MAJOR doubts about the decision i made to move here. i was thinking, why am i putting myself in this position? i’m going to be very very uncomfortable. will i even survive? i’m going to have to learn how to do everything on my own. people must think im crazy! (and i am) but then i am constantly being reminded of the great calling God put on my heart early last year. it was a call i could not refuse. and thus, here i am.
i’m not gunna lie though, it’s not always easy being here. i miss cali terribly. i miss my family, my friends, my church, my easy livin. i can’t even begin to tell you how amazing the people are back home that i left behind. i am truly blessed :) i miss you all ♥
but, as i’m maturing and growing older, i’m learning how to be obedient. and without a doubt in my mind, this is where i need to be right now. God is making that very clear. and the funny thing is that i’m actually following! haha. we’ll have to see where He takes me from here.
anyway, tonight i’m going with my friend to an advertising networking event. i’m pretty stoked to be given this opportunity! i’m excited to meet new people and just begin to dig into all the networking that goes with the advertising/marketing world. perhaps i’ll find that this kind of thing is my kind of thing? who knows. we’ll see.
tomorrow my cali roomie OLLIE comes out! i can’t be more stoked. we’re going to have so much fun. and then the 24th my other roomies, KRISTIN & JENN come out too! mini reunion up in hurr. can’t wait to show them around the island in which i now call home (: hopefully work won’t hinder me from going on too many adventures with them… haha. i know we’ll have a good time for sure though. just with that miss JAMIE & EUNICE were coming too! next time though, ya?
but yeah, things are goood here. couldn’t ask for more. GOD IS GOOD.

pour em out.

God's just been pouring out crazy blessings on me lately. He certainly doesn't have to, but He does.

only but a week ago my teammates left, one by one, to return to the mainland. it felt like my whole world was falling apart. i had no idea that i could cry that much. in fact i'm beginning to think it was straight up unhealthy. haha. having to have like 5 shifts of goodbyes in 1 day with some of your closest friends, AND do repeat the very next day is just no bueno. anyway here are some updates:

project conclusions. undoubtedly one of the greatest summers i have ever had. and most definitely the greatest growth experienced in the shortest amount of time. GOD ROCKED MY WORLD THIS SUMMER. every struggle became a blessing from up above, and in the aftermath of that, a great lesson was learned. i was stretched and pulled, strengthened and uplifted. not only did i grow exponentially on a personal level, but i was also able to experience the overflow of love, growth & energy from my teammates as God continued to pour into us. if i had to sum up what i learned on summer project in one word, i'd have to say that i learned how to FOLLOW. that has always been a struggle for me, and boy did God make that clear. i knew it'd be hard, but i also knew that it was something i needed to grow in. it's funny how that works. anyway, God taught me how to follow. and boy was that a valuable lesson indeed :)

'ohana. probably one of the most common things said about going on summer project is that the community you experience is amazing. and soo...i'm about to add to that crowd. we truly were and are an 'OHANA. whether we were laughing, crying, praying, talking, joking, playing, dancing, traveling, or just BEING together, it was an 'ohana. i don't really know how else to explain it. it might've been the first time i'd experienced such a safe environment in a group THIS big. i told some of them things i'd never told people before, admitted convictions that i so dreadfully was ashamed of, experienced healing in ways i didn't know existed, and grew closer with one another as we grew closer to God. but now that most everyone is gone, i'm not gunna lie, PPD (post-project depression) is starting to set in. like it said before, it feels like a little bit of me went home with my 29 other teammates, and i just don't feel complete. i guess now i'll just have to focus my energy to finding a way to get to epic conference for a reunion! EHSP 2010, i love & miss you ALL so so much.

job. car. roomie. and nowww we talk about the other blessings. (in reference to the title; cuz He sure has been pouring out those blessings!) on tuesday, i felt like such ka-ka. i felt like i was drowning in this mess of moving & starting my new life here. but within 24 hours, it was a complete 180. in case i didn't realize that GOD PROVIDES after the crazy shenanigans we went through raising $60,000 in 1.5 days at briefing, God surely reminded me again when he poured out his blessings on wednesday. now first of all, let me start this off by saying that i have a more than amazing friend named kaiser who has hooked me up left and right. not only with the job & car bigger shtuff, but with the schmall kine things too, like rides and such! mahalooo (: anyway, this blog is getting quite lengthy so i'll just say what it is & just know that these are huge blessings.

• job: say hello to the newest employee of true religion ala moana! haha. i am going to continue searching for a job within my career field, but until then, this lady needs mooola!

• car: will soon be the proud owner of a black 1994 honda accord coupe. 68k mi. did i say 68k?!?!?! yes i did. with the paint job still beautifully in tact, and the inside sound system upgraded, this car is SUCH a steal. only bummer is that i won't be getting it until the beginning of september =/ sad panda!

• roomie: we have a girl coming to check it out on monday! cheeee. my rent will soon be lowered and i will be a happy camper.

can you believe all this in one day? ho brah. meaaan. hahaha. still workin on that pidgin. don't worry, it'll come (; meanwhile, i'm still adjusting to that HiLife. although i feel more than comfortable here (as in Hawai'i), i'm still just as stoked as ever to finally live in the place i've always dreamed of living. blessings, blessings, blessings.

anyway. AH. what is wrong with me? up late every night seems like. peaceee.

P.S.! tomorrow i get to see JBOOG at the shack! finaaalllllyyy a show to go to. chee!

one by one.

one by one they go... i've never had to say so many goodbyes in such a short span of time.

it's almost unbearable. it's like a little piece of me goes as each one of my teammates departs from the island. it's really starting to set in how much i miss them, and not all of them have even left!

please pray for me. i'm overwhelmed. no car, no job, no bank, not much at all. i can't even begin to think about how i'm going to figure all this out. only God is going to be the one to pull me out from all this...

anyway. i really need some rest. please pray.

love, nicky.

EY YO!

new post. check it. (:

http://nickyleong.tumblr.com/

LOVING TUMBLR, check out my latest post there (:

maaaahalo♥

nickyleong.tumblr.com

digging deeper.

man oh man, if only i could find the time...to talk about all of the things that i am experiencing.

these last few days have been in best way, FULL. full in schedule, full in experience, full in blessings, full in GOD. i've learned a lot bout myself, and i can feel God's hand over all of it. i would say though, that i may not be in the best place to write it at the moment. it's 12:22am, i'm suppperrr tired, and probably a bit cranky.

it wouldn't do my experiences justice if i tried to talk about them all now.

but short recap? ya sure.
1. SUNDAY: church, got to play with the keikis! such a blessing to be around children. then got to spend time as a church group, FINALLY. at kahala mandarin! so cool getting to spend the afternoon with friends outside our church group as well (: (robbyn, jo, gino, hanna & matt!)
2. MONDAY: free day! went crepes no ka oi, pillbox hike, lanikai<3<3 one of the best days i've had in a while. got to do an all girls thanggg & get some good quality time in!
3. TUESDAY: discouraging campustime, but AMAZING weekly meeting. SO SO GOOD! oh & amazing simply ono timee.
4. WEDNESDAY: LEGIT campus time. connections up the wazoo! god is so good. long day though.

anyway, there's the recap (: more details to follow. i finally feel like i'm getting the hang of things. just gotta deal with the inner ish a bittt. God will lead me through it though.

TIME FOR SLEEP NOW! i shall update later♥
nightnight. <3nickayy.

lil update for ya (;

feedback, por favor? should i post more videos or just stick to what i know? hahaha. ♥ you all!

let's bring it back, ohh, let's bring it back (:

soooo, i realized lately that i haven't quite blogged about what i'm actually doing here at UH Manoa on my summer project. LAME, i know!

so i'm dedicating this entry to my endeavors & happenings, as opposed to my feelings. hahaha oh boy.

anyways, so as i mentioned before, we arrived june 20 (father's day, i know!) and have been here for about two weeks, tomorrow (:

the first week went pretty slowly, i must admit--but man, in this past week it's been carazzyy fast! i can't imagine how fast the next 4 weeks are going to go. but yeah, so basically we're on a pretty regular schedule now, consisting of 3 days a week of campus time, 1 day a week of community outreach, 1-2 days a week of free time, about 4 days a week team training, 1 day a week women's time, and 1 day a week 'ohana time. now if you could picture this, it's a pretty packed schedule! the first week took a lot out of me to adjust, but this second week was much easier. (or maybe i just learned how to adjust to the time. ha!)

so basically during campus time, we're reaching out to the students, via surveys, KGP, regular conversation, and any other outreach tactic we choose. while the first week was fairly difficult for me to meet people, i found this past week to be much more successful. annalynn and i paired up and had a sweet conversation with a girl named brooke on wednesday! it was cool to just have a chill conversation with someone new (:

i got to experience that feeling again the next day, as daniel and i were able to meet a few new people at leeward community college. so stoked that one of the guys we met even came and hung out with us yesterday at ala moana! god truly does answer prayers, and i am beginning to see how powerful that truly is.

for instance, today lisa, mark and i went sharing at ala moana mall and prayed for God to lead us into a conversation. only a few minutes later, we spot a girl from across the mall & decide to approach her. and WOW, immediately God opened up the conversation for us. we found out that she was a student about our age from australia who was interning in NY and was currently in HI visiting her friend from her internship. crazy, ya? anyway, we used the quest survey and found out that she was highly interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with God. and let me tell youuu. i tend to think that things like surveys, the KGP, etc. are very difficult and aren't something i generally like to use when sharing, but this time God put it to work! haha. it really opened my eyes to see that people really DO desire to know God, and that conversations like these really DO just happen, even randomly in a mall. it just encouraged me to take that leap of faith and know that God can truly use me/you at any time and at any place. i'll have to keep that in mind as i continue to share throughout project & beyond (;

OH, and another component of this summer project is GROUPS. ohh mahhh gahhh we have a million groups. haha. we have a church group (split up between 4 different churches that we're partnering with and serving--about 10-15 people per church), discipleship group (consisting of about 2-3 people per staff person), bible study group (2 discipleship groups put together), campus groups (about 10-12 students split between 3 campuses--UH Manoa, KCC, HPU), team committees (about 10 different committee groups to handle all the tasks and duties for the team; mine's weekly meeting group--we basically organize the weekly meeting!), and lastly men's/women's time groups (self explanitory!). dang. yaaa so basically we are spliced and diced up in many many ways. it's pretty cool thought to see how necessary it is to break things down to that we can reach more and be more effective.

so i think that's the main gist of the project setup? pretty confusing, i know. haha. i'm learning to get the hang of it though. and God is really moving amongst all of this. i look around and see how each and every one (yes, all 30 of us!) of us is growing in such a special and unique way. and it's crazy to think that the Lord is doing a work in EACH of us, and each so differently. i love the thought of all of us just coming together as a team, learning to depend on one another and learning to depend on God. i feel like something very very big is about to happen. about to unfold! i hope it's an adventure (: cuz i'm ready to jumppp.

kaydenn. time for sleep! gots church & beach tmro♥

SHOOTS!

i am smiling.

oh, how he loves us so. oh, how he loves us. how he loves us soo ♥

the picture above just depicts the serenity and joy that i am now currently experiencing in my heart. today was the day where understanding really started to set in. today was the day that i could finally see through the clouds. today was the day where i could just be me.

today was a good day.

...i know i said i'd continue on with my "who am i?" series, but i feel like i just need to PRAISE GOD with this entry.

lately i've been walking through some pretty tough ish, but today God just relieved me from that pain.

Instead of my usual University of Hawai`i campus outreach time, today i got to go with about 7 other students towards the leeward side of the island to pray over Leeward Community College. goshhh it was a beautiful day! and i was especially stoked that i got to spend it with a completely different group than i was used to. i'd say we had some great bonding time today (:

anyway, we paired off and set out to walk around the campus and pray for it at the same time. and during that time, God reminded me that he truly does answer prayers. we began praying for the campus, and more specifically even a conversation with someone to gain some insight to the school. now this was somewhat of a big request, as the campus was ghostly. there was no one to be found! in fact i didn't even think that summer school was in session. haha. anyway, daniel and i walk into the cafeteria & lo and behold, 3 local guys were chillin at a table together. daniel ended up initiating a conversation with them, and before you know it, daniel and i had joined them at their table, and were able to talk to them for their remainder of their break time (: it was just a sweet sweet time to just connect and know that God completely provided this conversation for us. it was especially uplifting for me, because i have been struggling with meeting people over the past week and a half.

so after an amazing time on campus, we journeyed on to poke stop. OM NOM NOM! wow, so good. i love poke. and this place was gooood. haha. i highly recommend it to any of you out here on the island! anyway, after that we ventured on to Nich's favorite beach: Nanakuli (or nanakooli, for you, koho. HAHA) i'm starting to think it might be my new favorite beach too! i'd never been there before, and boy was it beaautifulll. i want to go back already! it was just an awesome time that we got to spend together and bond while praying over the campus. it was my sweet escape♥

and to top it off, i ended up going to Chi Alpha's weekly meeting with Grace, Mark, Sarah & Kentaro. the speaker for the night, Eric, truly spoke to my heart. ohhh gosh. it was just one of those talks where God completely took over and spoke such crazy truth through him. i was taken aback, engrossed in, and utterly captivated by his talk.

it was exactly what i needed to hear.

to sum it up, Eric broke it down into 4 types of "ships" that are integral to our growth and effectiveness as both Christians and campus evangelizers.

• ownership
• worship
• discipleship
• stewardship

now i'm not going to go into detail about it for sake of time, but let's just say it ROCKED MY WORLD. i really needed to check back into being kingdom minded, and kingdom driven. i am so humbled. and god is so good.

kk, moi moi time (: have a good night errbody! ps, check out the new video i posted on FB, you'll be literally ROFL-ing. hahahaha.



aloha nui loa, nickkayyy!

who am i?: part 1

last night we had our second women's time.  leading up to project, i never ever would've thought that i'd be so greatly affected by this time. i've always struggled with this time, and never expected it to be this intense for me. but shoot, God's just crazy like that.

in reflection of last night, i've begun to ask the question of, "who am i?". just like the zoolander movie clip, i don't know. all my life i've struggled with identity, and now i feel like i'm finally beginning to unpack the deepest parts of it. i think i'm going to share this in a series though. cuz it's just gunna be too dang long otherwise!

anyways, it all started with questioning and wanting to understand my identity as a woman. for a good chunk of my life i found it hard to accept the fact that i was a girl. i have three brothers, a million boy cousins, and just have surrounded myself with boys (as well as my select few close girlfriends) for as long as i can remember. so many times i'd think to myself how much i HATED being a girl. how hard it was for me, and how much i didn't fit in--as both a boy and a girl.

especially with my brothers. when i was about 9 years old, my parents moved my oldest younger brother out of our room and into the room next door with my 2 other younger brothers. i remember how utterly alone i felt, and how i didn't understand why i was so different that they had to move him. although we were separated by just 1 thin wall, i felt as if i was forced to be by myself for some unknown reason. and so, to avoid this feeling, i proceeded to spend an entire year sharing a bed with my oldest younger brother in their room every night. i'd go in my room to change in the day, and store my stuff there, but i'd spend all the rest of my time in their room. i never wanted to be alone. i never wanted to be separated. (cute, ya? the 4 of us. hahaha) but yeah, i think that might've been the first time i truly questioned my identity as a woman.

later in life, i continued to cling to men. i grew up in middle school desperate for a boy, desperate for someone to like me the way i liked them. someone i thought that i could connect with. although i did have a group of girlfriends, deep down inside i knew i would drop them in a minute for that one boy. and as my freshman year in high school hit, that is exactly what happened. i had my first boyfriend and i literally dropped all of my friends for him. i thought that this one guy could satisfy everything i needed. i felt that no girl could ever understand me the way that a guy could. and boy was i wrong.

but then God captured my heart. when i was 18, he showed me that no girl OR guy could ever amount to the great love and understanding that He would have for me.

and although it took many years to come out of feeling like i previously had, i feel i still struggle with with this. i still feel vastly different, deep down inside. i still feel out of place with both men and women . even though i have learned to LOVE women, and even learned to see and value the connections i have with them, i still very much suffer from understanding my identity as a woman. last night was revisiting those feelings. and realizing that YES, i am a woman. and that YES, there are differences that i experience, but that God has made me exactly the way I was supposed to me. that i am his workmanship. oh gosh, there is so so much more. and i am still struggling profusely with this topic in my life. still feeling different, still feeling alone. but i'm a work in progress, and i know that God will deliver me.

psalm 139 has been hugely affecting me this past week. i encourage you all to check it out (:

anyway, intense stuff! gotta rush to campus time now. i'm late. oopppsss.
much love<3, nicky.

you set me free.

so i've tried about 4 times now to write a blog entry. WITH NO AVAIL! hahaha. ima keep this short, just so that i can actually finish something. haha.


let's just start this off with the honest truth. i'm walking through some ish right now. haha there, i said it! truth is out. i truly am learning to breathe. and it's funny, because i feel like i blog about that quite often!

anyway, although i'm going through some things right now, i feel like God just has the perfect timing. right when i'm at the height of it, he sends that perfect person into your life at the precise moment that you need it. HE DRAWS YOU NEAR. even when you feel like you don't have the energy, strength, or heart to reach a little further, God just scoops us up into His arms and brings us closer to Him. closer to love.

Today God picked me up through a conversation with my college roommate, jamie♥. however short it was, i must say that it was SO SWEET. it was one of those conversations where i just knew that God was speaking through her during the conversation. wow. now that's a blessing.  just hearing from someone i used to talk to EVERYDAY was such a calming relief. and then for her to tell me about her amazing 1st week in Japan on summer project was so cool. and to top it off, for her to speak such truth into my life was more than profound.

i knew there was something different about today.

i love that God speaks to me. i love that He never lets me go. i love that He chooses to work THROUGH people, including me. i love that He loves me.

and although i'm not exactly having the easiest time, i'm being crazy blessed with comfort left and right. i need to constantly remind myself that everything really is going to be okay. because God's in control. and he's got this!

anyway, time to go on a date with my discipler<3 more later. please pray (:

♥nicky

and back again (:

ALOHA from O'ahu Hawai'i!

i'm just gunna jump right into it and say that God has already taught me an amazing lesson: HE PROVIDES. while we were at a $60,000 deficit a day and a half prior to leaving, we were able to raise about 3/4 of that and everyone on my team was able to come! it was such a special moment my team and i shared as we we told the good news (: BIG MAHALO to all you who supported my team and i both financially and prayerfully. i was so touched by all of your care, efforts, and just LOVE for our mission. and although i still need to raise about $500 more throughout the duration of the project, i am confident that God will provide. I mean, we saw our deficit go from $60,000 to less than $20,000 in a matter of one full DAY. so i ain't trippin (; but that's crazy, ah?

anyway, we arrived here safely at around 11am HI time yesterday! can't believe we're actually here. we had a smooth flight, and a chill move-in. the dorms here are SO nice. much better than my crappy trash can dorms last summer! haha. i'm living in a suite with the beautiful annalynn as my roommate! amanda and her roommate rebecca are our suitemates. SO BLESSED to have such an awesome suite♥

also, can i just say. the rooms have AIR CONDITION! hallelujah. such and upgrade from last year. haha. it's always nice to come back to a cool room (; they're the newest dorms on campus, with all new furniture and all. i'm quite excited to be living here for the next month and a half.

aside from all that jazz, some feelings i've been experiencing lately have been somewhat surprising for me? i think i'm just in a really weird state of mind after leaving california. i think i still just haven't had the chance to process all of the recent BIG changes i've been through. from finishing up with Epic, to graduating, to moving out, and saying goodbye to all my college friends, from saying goodbye and leaving my family, friends, and grant at home, to packing my life away to move here to HI, to briefing, and now arriving here in HI. EESH that's a lot! and to be honest, i haven't really thought through a lot of it. right now i'm feeling a lot of mixed stuff, with being excited for project and finally arriving in HI, to just missing california and home SO SO much. not that i'm one who gets homesick easily, but it's more of the realization that i may not be returning home for a very long long time. and moreover, realizing that Hawai'i is my new home. it is so surreal! i'm just thankful that i am on project first to ease into it and prepare my heart for this huge life change.

GOD IS SO GOOD THOUGH. He continually comforts me, and reminds me that He indeed has called me to be here, learning to love and serve His people--the people of Hawai'i. it was a calling that was far too strong to turn down, and one that i knew would be in some ways difficult for me. i'm excited to unfold the things He'll be teaching me and my team this summer, and just the amazing experiences we're about to have!

speaking of which, we went to waimea bay today (: surprisingly, i hadn't been to this beach before! i absolutely loved it. the weather was amazing, and the water was crystal clear. OH, and i even jumped off the big rock! about 2 stories or more in height, i still can't believe i leaped off that thang. from the highway it seems so enormous! haha i think it was much easier because i strategized and decided that i would not look over the edge until it was my turn to jump, and then i'd just do it without looking. HA! i know, scaredy cat, me (; whate'er, i still did it. haha. anyway, all in all a fun & relaxing day!

i'm not sure how the rest of the week will pan out, but i hope to be able to blog again very soon! thanks all for your support and love (: and just for reading this!

until next time,
<3nicky.

OH and PS. here's my address if you wanna be penpals with me!
Nicky Leong
EPIC Movement
2569 Dole St.
Honolulu, HI 96822

r e a l i t y.

now originally, i thought that my next post would be all about graduation, my transition, and the crazy feelings i've been feeling since having to say goodbye to my friends and family. and although i will eventually get there, there has been a much bigger pressing on my heart that i feel compelled to write about.

as many of you know, i left on thursday to come to Costa Mesa, California for summer project briefing until we take off on sunday! (briefing is a small conference where all of EPIC's summer short term missions trips come together and prepare for our upcoming trips) since arriving, i've literally hit the ground running with activities, messages, and just time spent with my brothers and sisters. although it has been lots of fun thus far, reality hit this afternoon as our staff directors announced that as a team, we still needed to raise $60,000. and that potentially some of our team members would not be able to go.

this immediately sent my thoughts and feelings into a flurry of emotions, as i wondered how $60,000 was even possible to be in a deficit in, how we were going to raise that much money in TWO DAYS, and how badly I felt for contributing to that total. i myself have $1,000 left to raise. and although that sounds like a minuscule amount in comparison to the grandiose total of $60,000, $1,000 is still a significant amount that i still very much need to raise!

i'm trying hard not to be discouraged, and i'm trying hard to depend on God. but i'll be honest with you all, it's not easy. with 30 other team members running around feeling just as stressed as i am, it feels like we're just all going crazy! but my God is a god of COMFORT.

today during worship, the song, "Be the Centre" was played. it'd been almost 1 year since i last heard that song (or at least that i can remember? haha). anyway, that song brought me back to my art project back in junior year --> where it was the most LABOR INTENSIVE, emotionally, and physically exhausting project i have EVER completed. and it was based off of this song, where i wanted to share with as many people on my campus as possible this great love i've found in God.

throughout the process of installing my project, it took a LOT of faith and dependence on God, that he would carry me through this. i worked hours upon hours both planning, installing, and de-installing it.

This is how I feel about raising the rest of our support. i'm going to have to fully trust that God will provide, not only for me, but for my teammates as well. it's going to require a lot of time, energy, emotions, and prayer. i have $1000 to raise by sunday. but my God is the reason. He'll be the one to bring in the rest, and He's the reason my heart lies in Hawai'i. i know that He will provide.

i would love if any of you could, first and foremost, PRAY.
-pray for my team, as we work towards raising $60,000 together, as we push through our last day in California, and just for their hearts to be ready and willing as we begin project together!
-pray for my support, as i work towards raising my final $1,000 and just learn how to trust in God.
-pray for Hawai'i! the harvest is plenty, but the laborers are few

For those of you who know me well, or even don't know me well, know that i have a HUGE heart for Hawai'i. God has been calling me there since last summer, and has placed this overwhelming desire within me to just serve there. I've been so so blessed with this opportunity to go there, and i'm almost there! i just have $1,000 left to raise.

And if you even feel that God has placed on your heart to give financially, I would appreciate that so so much as well. I'm trying to ask 20 people to contribute $50, but really, ANYTHING HELPS! Even $5. You can mail checks to
-EPIC Movement
  Attn: Lucy Kaneshiro
  16 Technology Dr. Ste. #205
  Irvine, CA 92618

Or you can give online at: https://give.ccci.org/give/View/5554181, but please let me know how much you've decided to give so that i can properly thank you!

And lastly, if you do feel called to give, I just ask that you would do this as soon as possible, and please let me know how much because we need to turn in our figures by sunday and i would also like to thank you as soon as possible!

thank you all so much for just bearing with me, and listening to me ramble. through it all, i am so blessed.

amen.
<3nicky

i've missed you.

dang, it's been a while! i've been very busy lately, and that is an understatement!

God has been SO good though. short recap on my life as of late(which I will expand upon later, once I get the chance):

• i received and completed my first assignment for my new internship! i am hoping to have some of my photographs published in the fall issue of SB Seasons Magazine :)
• jessica's bachelorette party --my very first one. i LOVE this girl.
• EPIC SLO friends visited<3<3<3
• senior send off. made me cryyyyy :(
• jen peet's bridal shower: SO cute
• I GOT BAPTIZED!
• Non-stop rehearsals/practices for ITO (polynesian dancing club on campus). our biggest performance of the year is THIS SATURDAY. ayeee! a little overwhelmed with trying to master the 7 dances & 1 duet I'll be in, plus finishing my costume.

aside from the things i've been doing, i've been learning so much about myself & the desires God has placed on my heart. over the past month i've been realizing more and more about my undeniable PASSION for PEOPLE. it's something i can't control, something i absolutely thrive on, and something that brings me joy in ways i can't even describe. i love interacting with people, caring for people, being with people, watching people, learning about people, and most of all- loving people.  and coupled with my eagerness to share God with people, i've found that these desires God has placed on my heart are in fact a great combination. He truly has blessed me!  I seem to realize this more and more with every major conversation I have. One of which I had this weekend, with a dear friend of mine. Nothing else brings more joy to me than being able to share with people I love, about what I love most.

all of this brings great comfort to my heart, as i gasp for air on a daily basis. i find myself nearly drowning in all of my back-to-back daily activities, and wondering how i'll be able to get it all together before time runs out. which brings me to my next point of...nostalgia. it can be defined as "longing for something past", however that which i am nostalgic about, has not yet passed. perhaps it's the anticipation of it all. i've come to the conclusion that I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE COLLEGE. these past 4 years truly have been the most amazing i've experienced thus far. just thinking about the radical life changes we're all about to embark on make me feel both excited and petrified simultaneously. the community i'll be leaving, the relationships, the lifestyle, and for goodness sake, EPIC. ohhh gosh, i get so melancholy thinking about it all. But au contraire, i know that God has something very specific and very amazing planned for each and every one of us. Whether we've figured out this calling or not, it's there, and it's coming! now that is a blessing in itself :)

i'll have to keep this in mind, as i finish up a few things this week: bible study, EPIC, and Iaorana te Otea (which, by the way, you should ALL come to my Performance this Saturday @ 7pm!!). These are the activities that I probably pour most of my time into, and I'm not even sure how I'll be feeling once it's all over. (i'll let ya know once I get there, haha). anyway, just trying to keep it real. and let it all out there. MAH BAD for taking so long to post! i hope you're all hangin in there, handling school business and whatnot. YOU GOT THIS! ♥

until next timeee...

aloha nui loa,
nickkayyy

help a sista out!

I am selling these handcrafted bracelets to raise support for my EPIC HAWAI'I SUMMER PROJECT :)

the cost is a $7 donation (or however much you'd like to give). if you'd like one, please contact me via e-mail for one!

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT and please feel free to "save as" the image & pass on the message for me. (;

100 posts!

has it really been 100 posts already?! danggg.

anyway, we'll keep it short & sweet. since that's all i've got to give at the moment. (;

firstly, look at this:

doesn't this just bring a certain peace & happiness to your heart? sure does for me. i long for days like these, where the sun is shining just right, the water is as blue as ever, and your heart is running wild.

this just goes to show that my God truly does go above and beyond in blessing us. he gives us those simple pleasures in life that just leave a sweet sweet mark on your soul, and make you smile when you think of them. (: mm yes, He's that good.

can't get ENOUGH of this image♥
anyway, twas an awfully busy day, and we'll leave it at that! time for beddy bye.

ALOHA AHIAHI IA OUKOU. [i think that's how you say it? ha..poser kama'aina comin' out, ah??]

i want oneeee.

AH. so cute. so cute! hahaha. :D

trying to hold it together.

5 weeks left until graduation, 6 weeks left of living in california.

and it never felt so fast.
i am now moving into my sadness & nostalgia stage. i just hope you all know how deeply touched i am by each and every one of you. and just how much i'm going to miss you<3

ahhh, definitely tryin to hold it together.

update to come soon :)

retreat was SO good this weekend. i didn't realize it'd be so hard to reintegrate back into my regular life! haha.

i am having what feels like the never-ending week! activity to activity to activity. but enough about that. that's all i ever complain about. GOD IS GOOD. and i am so blessed by all that he's given me.

but anyhoooo. an update on retreat, life, and more to come soon! <3

CHECK IT OUT.

EPIC UCSB WEBSITE

wheeeew! so stoked to finally have a website. it's been FAR too long. :) and wordpress is seriosuly legit! no offense blogspot, but i'm so in love with wordpress that i'm even considering switching over... haha.

anyway. you should check out the site! and subscribe. just to keep up with all our happenings and what not. :)

aside from that, i have a busy day ahead of me! with nonstop activities from 4pm-10:30pm STRAIGHT. aye! should be fun though. just gotta get prepared for it!

better hop to it. have a great day errbodyy<3

ALOHA NUI LOA!

shopping. is so bad.

i want e-v-er-y-thanggg. eesh!

 

man, just to give example of a few. i really should stop looking. it makes me quite anxious. haha. seems like white's a common theme for me! 

anyways, i really should be going to sleep. this is terrible! 

nighty night ♥

brook lopez, you ain't gon' get me down.

can i just say. first of all, i'm a pretty starstruck person, who gets very awkward & intense when i see people of fame.

but saturday, i was just shocked. here we are, 11 innocent (and cute, i might add) asian folks standing in line for captain E.O. at disneyland, happened to be in line in front of mr. brook lopez. for those of you who don't know him, he plays for the NJ Nets, one of the worst teams in the NBA (we figured that's why he was at dland and not playing ball). anyway--now, maybe we started whispering a bit louder than we should've, but HEY, the guy's in the NBA. he's MASSIVE. He should be used to it!

anyway, before we know it, we're harshly called out by him, asking us who we're talking about, and what we're doing with "that" (that, being my camera). in his high pitched voice, he decides it was the best idea to nearly yell at us, BEFORE we even ask him for anything. and might i add, that this was entirely unprovoked, and truly frightening. imagine me, a 5 foot 1 girl, holding her camera, being ferociously called out by the behemoth of a man, asking me what i was doing with "that"? now usually i would be the type of person to say something, but we were all literally too shocked to even respond.

long story short, for those of you who once were, or are fans of this dude, he ain't that nice! next time you see this giant man walking around, don't bother trying to be a fan. he won't have it.

but aside from that, like i said in the title, he ain't gon get me down! we had an AMAZING time at dland, and i'm nostalgic about it already! p.s., if you're wondering why the 'O' for the picture, it's because O is for Ohana. and that's what we are♥ haha. but yeah, just had a great weekend with everyone. can we just repeat already?

OH WAIT. repeat-ish this weekend. CHEE! spring retreat right round the corner. can't waittt. (:

until then, time for work! aye!

spring retreat.

one last thought before i let my head hit the pillow.

i am freaking STOKED outta my undies bout SPRING RETREAT! every time i look at the roster, the schedule, the planning... i just get essited. (:

i love my epic ohana, and i love it even more when we get to spend A WHOLE WEEKEND with our slo brothers & sisters. mmm it is going to be amazing.

because god is so good. ♥♥♥
kk the end, my slumber awaits!

in great need.

i don't know how i'm gunna make it through today. got 2 works, dance practice & an entire message to write from start to finish.

i'm speaking tomorrow for my last time at epic tomorrow. and to be honest, i'm not feeling too confident about it. the last time i spoke, it might've been one of the most discouraging experiences for me. and initially i was feeling pretty fearful of speaking again, but now i'm realizing that i'm past that...and moving into panic.

i'm drawing a BLANK. i think i know what i want to talk about, but i have yet to start it. i literally have nothing.

ironic that this week's topic is really going to have a lot to do with my emotional roller coaster of writing this message. GOD IS TRULY GOING TO HAVE TO CARRY ME THROUGH THIS ONE. dependency in its fullest is about to go down.


please pray for me. i'm really trying to keep my cool.

oh yes!

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -isaiah 40:31

today is a new day. and it's going to be a good one. PRAISE YOU, GOD.

HAHAHAHA.

this video has got to be one of the FUNNIEST i've seen in a long while. hands down.

can't get enough! the truth is just too much. haha. you'll know what i mean once you watch this bomb-ace video. (:



BACK TO WORK!

god never ceases to amaze me. i randomly chose a verse and this is what i got: "blessed be the lord! for he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. the lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and i am helped;"

how comforting it is to know that God knows. that i can trust in Him. how amazing it is that He is my strength and my shield. and how utterly ironic it is that i pulled this verse. on this night.

just something to contemplate; goodnight.

OH ISLA VISTA.

you never cease to amaze me. haha.

through it all, ucsb still finds a way to party hardy, get around any and all restrictions, and above all else, OUT DO ITSELF in any given opportunity.

this weekend marked isla vista's annual "floatopia". a weekend where typically everyone goes out to the beach with their floaties & inflatable devices, to get completely inebriated while basking the sun scantily clad, and apparently having the time of their lives. in the past 4 years that i have been attending this school, only 1 floatopia topped the charts--floatopia 2009. although i have never attended myself, i recall the first two years being very gloomy, and last year was apparently amazing. however, due to the increase of out of towners, the excessive drinking & irresponsibility, the isla vista beaches were completely TRASHED. ph levels were even altered as a result of the incredible amount of pee that entered the ocean! AYE, people.

anyway, as a prevention from last year, santa barbara law enforcement prohibited any entry to the beach, & thus the true isla vista spirit came out. instead, out of towners, locals and more made their way out into the streets, dancing & frolicking around nearly naked up and down the streets of i.v.  although i was thrilled that sb's law enforcement decided to protect the beach, it was quite a sight to see from right outside my bedroom window.

eunice and i managed to make our way out into the sea of sunkissed people & here's a picture i snapped:

pretty crazy, ey? haha. that's what i thought. and this picture is pretty PG! ha, we even saw a guy in a sort of one-piece contraption that resembled that of borat's. and lemme just say-i am SO GLAD i did not get a picture of that! (although eunice did, HAHA). 

so moral of the story? isla vista-ians, REALLY are that crazy. ohhh "floatopia". haha.

juss a lil bit.

overwhelmed.

feels like this quarter is already passing me by. i have so many responsibilities, so many jobs/internships, clubs, and just THINGS i would like to do before i leave this state.

sometimes i sit and wonder what it'd be like for one day to just throw all my responsibilities out the window. how glorious would that be?

only in my dreams...haha.

well, here's to another early morning wake up. gnight.

--------------------------------------------------------
..oops. somehow this didn't get posted last night!

ai ya.

ohhh the double standards of life. not a fan.

but learning to humble myself, has been the true challenge. "you, my brothers, were called to be free. but do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." -galatians 5:13.

i am a woman of expression. i wear my thoughts, feeling & emotions boldly on my sleeve. not so much this time. there is so much more. so much more that does not meet the eye. but i'm okay with that. God will just have to continue walking me through this. sometimes i wish i could just say something though.

the beach will sooth my heart; praise God♥

oh how i missed you.

my sweet sweet honus! got reunited at seaworld withum.
let's just say, this was one of the many highlights of the trip :)

OH! and our bucketlist. i've been thinking a lot about it lately. my house and i made a bucketlist to accomplish before we all leave this year :) we have 2 months to complete it!

Of the things on the list, I'd really like to go kayaking, go on another fellowship of the rings hike (HAHA), beach it like there's no tomorrow, make our groundbreaking music video, and have a BBQ! all very do-able things. now we just gotta make time to do them. haha. i'll keep you updated?

anyhoo, just felt the need to update a bit. more to come! now time for sleeep<3

aloha auinapo.

let's be real.

for even a moment. :) i came across this verse today, and i found it to be very encouraging for women:

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.

that's the kind of woman i aspire to be. fearing the Lord! oh yes.


but anyway, the week is well underway, and i'm still finding myself adjusting (as many of you are as well). it's quite a sensation not having class, not being on campus, and NOT HAVING HOMEWORK! and although i am lacking those things, i've come to the realization that i still don't have as much free time as i thought i'd have. i'm currently working 2 jobs, may possibly take on an internship, dancing with ITO (polynesian dancing club), and co-leading Epic! it's just nuts. but i love them all so much, i don't want to give any up. haha. thus, i will continue to have a full schedule. which is good slash bad? i guess we'll find out.

aside from all that, i'm feeling kind of...off? if i were to describe the color of my heart, which robbyn & sarah might say (haha!), i might say that it's either rainbow colored, or brown. simply because i'm feeling both a lot of different things, yet a mesh of just everything--at the same time. feeling excited that it's spring & just ready to start this quarter off right. happy that i've got the Lord just being my awesome savior. weird because i am no longer a college student. blah because i feel kind of underpursued/a little shut down. and then feeling sad because of that + the fact that i'm moving out of the state in just 2 short months. which is kind of crazy, come to think about it. makes me nostalgic already! but yeah, basically just a hodge podge of feelings. all balled up into my little heart. aye!

and so, let's be real. i'm a girl, and all these crazy feelings, yes! i'm sure there are others that feel this way too. however, i am very encouraged by the verse i listed above. fearing God, as in trusting that He is sovereign over all areas in my life, knowing that He is all powerful, and believing that He loves me so much that He'll do what's best for me. now that, is a praise in itself.

anyway, here's to the last spring quarter in santa barbara. can't believe you're already here.

in due time.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8.
 
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


God truly does have a time for everything. maybe things don't always work out the way you hoped they would, but He'll still use that for His glory. maybe you wish you had or you hadn't, but everything happens for a reason. and maybe you feel like a failure, but you're not. God's using that--in one way or another.

and above all else, we continue to strive towards glorifying Him. whether or not we see the fruits of that or not, we continue to fight the good fight. we continue to reach out towards Him. these are the things that bring glory.

i'm slowly learning. slowly understanding that all my hopes, works, desires, are never going to happen in my time. that nothing i will ever do will be the reason or cause for any changes, any miracles, any epiphanies. it's all about God. and i'm just beginning to realize that i am SO small in the whole scheme of things, and that i'm fortunate enough to just be a part of it.

anyway, that's my ramble for today. kinda going through a lot, so prayer would be much appreciated.

on the bright side i'm going to newport today? gunna see the bestie♥ payce.

DONEZO.

ucsb graduate.

what theeee. i feel old!

who would've ever thought time would fly by this fast. SO fast that i'm actually DONE with college.

the chapter in my life that i thought would neverrr end, just ended. LAST NIGHT! it's crazy. still hasn't hit me, in fact.

anyway, finally got my beach fix yesterday! yesss. well, "beach". we were actually on the lawn next to it, but only because the tide was too high! haha. but don't worry, i won't be a poser again today, as kristin & i will be basking in the sun on the pier as of 2pm todayy♥

it's amazing how sunny weather, salty air & sand between my toes can truly turn my frown upside down. i'm not going to lie, this past week and a half has been incredibly difficult for me, and i'm still walking through it. somedays i feel like i just can't take it anymore, like i just want to crawl into a hole and hide for a while.  other days i feel strengthened by God. and days like yesterday and today, i just feel like it's time to heal, time to get up off my butt & truly be happy amidst all the trials in life. it's so interesting how the simple pleasures in life can do that for us in some of the most trying times.

what i do know though, is that GOD IS SO GOOD. through so much, He continues to deliver me from myself, my sins, my problems, my issues, my pain.  He's been my rock. through all of it, He continues to be glorified. which, in the end, is the ultimate goal anyway. it's truly amazing to see it all come together and realize that no matter what happens in life, God is going to use it for His glory. and that's suchh a comforting thought, to know that i am not as big as i think i am. that no matter what i do, He will continue to be glorified.

with one last closing thought, i'd like to share this verse: "surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever"--psalm 23:6. i don't quite know why this stuck out to me? but it did. and i'm sharing it with you :) the Lord loves you. && desperately wants to pursue an ever-so intimate relationship with you. and take it from me, there ain't nothin better.

happy wednesday everyone (:
♥nickkayyy

i really wish i went to the beach today.

perfect weather.

and what did i do? fake study for hours. SADNESS. i was also feeling a little self conscious too. so maybe i can blame it on that too? but i can't let it pass me by tmro.

all i know is that i really need an escape. & the beach is lookin quite lovely.

maybe i should just run across the street & take a refreshing dip now? i'm goin crazy.



he restores my soul. he guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 

i'm slowly learning that there is only one thing needed. if you haven't checked it out already, listen to dominic balli's sermon from this weekend. it will ROCK you.


sorry for my series of randomness. like i said, i'm goin crazy!
backtobusiness.

when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than i.



goodnight.

sometimes, just sometimes.

you want to be cradled.  
taken care of.
held, & safe.

knowing that everything is going to be all right, that for just one second all your fears are lifted from your chest.

lately i've gotten used to living without this feeling. but i think i need it now more than ever.


"there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

the moment i've been waiting for.

today i found out i got accepted to go on the epic hawaii summer project 2010. it was such a pleasant surprise waking up to this e-mail, knowing that God has chosen me to be used this summer as a part of the epic team :)

now my planning process can truly begin! in the near future i'll be looking into flights, writing my support letter, brainstorming fundraising ideas, and just getting ready to go.

i couldn't be more stoked, more excited, and more in love with God. this summer will surely be one i will never forget. i can't wait to be out and about, everyday sharing God's great story to the untold world.  ♥

but on the flip side... just 2 days ago it dawned on me, that maybe returning to cali for a month after summer project ends may not be the best idea. especially for me economically. which means. i will be buying a one-way ticket and IT'S FORREAL NOW. 3 months and counting until i am no longer a cali resident. and as excited as i am to embark on this new adventure, i must admit that i'm really quite sad. i'll be leaving my friends, family, boyfriend, dog, and comfortable life in less than 100 days.

each day now seems to mean so much more, and each day is just a reminder of how i truly need to live this last quarter up to it's full potential. i just hope that people will want to join me. i know the world does not revolve around me, but i really do hope people will remember how soon it is that i'm leaving. or how important it is to me that we spend time together. which is why i'm starting to think that i may not take on another job. so that i'll have time to spend with the people i love. i just pray that they'll make time for me too.

_________________________________________________________

so i wrote all that above the line before i went to the prayershed. and now i'm back. and i couldn't be more jumbled up. i felt like i was trying so hard to get in this groove with God, to really listen to Him, seek Him, and just be intimate with Him.  but the whole time, i felt like my thoughts were so scattered, that i was all over the place, and that i was just not reaching this place of worship that i had hoped for. i don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. i truly want to trust Him, follow Him, and just be obedient in my walk. but i feel as if i can't even pinpoint those things because my mind is everywhere.

i'm constantly jumping from one thought to another, trying to reach some solid ground.

and to be honest, it's getting a little frustrating. i know it's not a try harder thing, but i think just not being able to hold down my own thoughts is just not fun. i feel very confused...and im not even sure what about. it's just a feeling. that i've probably gotta take up with God.

sorry for this jumble of thoughts, it's all that's coming to mind right now. and don't worry about me, i'm just trying to sort things out.

♥nicky

the last leg.

here i am, in the last leg of the race.

not sure how i'm going to make it to the finish line, but it's coming--with or without me. i have a massive project, a final assignment, and a final standing between me and the close of my college education. 2 of the 3 will be due exactly 1 week from today. 

i'm gasping for air, i don't know how i'm going to do it.

for the first time in college, i'm actually struggling with my grades. i've come so far, and it'd be truly depressing to drop in the last quarter of my last year. so i'm working my butt off, doing what i can. it's tough though, and i'm barely hanging on. 

i keep reminding myself, this is the last leg. especially this week. in 7 painstaking days, most of it will be ALL OVER. i need strength though.

and that's where God comes in. in fact, God needs to be all over this, and every aspect of my life.  sometimes i feel as if it's passing me by... i'm feeling all these things, wanting to spend true quality time with the Lord, but the circumstances just aren't letting me. i map out my schedule everyday. and it goes hour by hour. person by person. work by work. i'm trying to do so much, i forget that sometimes i just need to breathe. haha ironic--again, as my blog title comes to mind over and over again. i'm still learning, still walking through it.

lately i've been just trying to assess what i want. that's a hard thing to discern. who truly knows that they want? if you do know, then you are very blessed. because i certainly don't. i have so many major major decisions to make within the next few months, and it's driving me crazy. and to be honest, i really haven't sought God on them as much as i'd like to. maybe i need a get away? or maybe i just need to make time.  either way, something's got to give.

just a lot on my plate, and a lot on my mind. maybe it's end of the quarter blues. who knows. but what i do know is that i need to get through this. the rest will follow. the Lord's got me.

♥nicky

i love love love, love love iration.

hooo my goshh. can i just say. that i am in LOVE?!

this weekend i went to SLO to see them (finally) play with passafire & the expendables. last time jo and i tried to see them at West Beach Fest but sadly we left a little late & ended up listening to them from the line =/ we were CRUSHED.

so this was huge for me. and not to mention, they have a new album coming out in 2 weeks so i was stoked to hear them play some of their new songs!

anyhoo, the show was AMAZING. so good live. can't get ENOUGH. i could do without the punch i got to the face though...dang moshers. i'm just a little girl. and it's an effing reggae concert! who moshes at something so chill?! kind of annoying. but oh well. we held it dowwwn. (minus the getting punched part. ha!)

so and thennn. after the show, i got to MEET them! they asked if i was coming to their cd release and HECK YES i am! and then they signed my cd. haha i was very starstruck you could say. haha ask sarah eunice & mark. HAA.

but yeah, all in all i had a more than successful weekend in SLO. i miss it already. gotta get ready for the next show now. :) CD RELEASE BABY!

time for bed now though. til next timee.

♥nicky

big god.

does anyone know when this book comes out? i'm contemplating buying it off amazon but then i didn't know if reality was selling it & perhaps i should buy it through them instead? i dunnooo.  "alls i know" is that i gotta get me one of those!

besides that, just been realizing how difficult design layout is =/ i have all my WORD magazine stuff due on friday & i've only just begun. it's going to be a LONG night tomorrow night. and tonight. ohhh well. better get on that!

night♥

you can call me pandababy.

cause i'm definitely starting to follow the sleeping pattern of one.

went to bed at 9pm last night. CARAZZYYY. then i proceeded to take another multi-hour nap today. WHAT IS THIS?!

i think it means i need more sleep. and i'm not functioning too well on the focusing part.

henceforth, i think i'm going to forego the KP Showcase Performance, so that I can skip Polynesian Practice tonight. i think i need to get right with school =/

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aside from that, can i just say. that i am in love with special olympics?! after going to several practices this weekend, interviewing the athletes, photographing them, and just being a part of the organization that which i work for, i've realized just how much joy it truly brings to my life.  starting back in high school, i used to volunteer at a kids camp for special needs individuals, and then also as a tennis coach through special olympics.  i was so impacted from those experiences alone, that i even wrote about them for my college essays! [haha they're probably the reason i got into UCSB!] continuing on in college, i still can't believe i scored a job with special olympics out here in santa barbara, because initially, i was far from qualified for the position (but i applied anyway). now, culminating into my last few months here working with special olympics, i've realized how much LIFE the athletes bring to my life.

i'm currently working on an expose/documentary of special olympics and the "r-word campaign" (can visit by clicking here) for my photography class. and as much as i was dreading all the work that i have been/would have to put in for it, i'm surprisingly enjoying it very much so.  i think spreading the word to end the word is an extremely important concept, that many are unaware of.  i'd have to say that i hear the word retard on a REGULAR basis. and it saddens me. it honestly stings when i hear it, and it's never even been directed at me. i can't even imagine how an athlete might feel.  in this way, i am soo thankful for this project. and just helping to bring this topic to light. if you have a spare moment, please check out the website! it'd do the world some good to just spread the word.

anyhoo, that's my ramble for the day. haha. i'm clearly trying to avoid doing my hw (;

♥nicky

for the first time.

my heart actually broke for God.

now, i know that sounds like God did something bad and my heart broke for Him, but that's not the case at all. i think i just don't know how else to explain what i'm feeling right now.

so i started reading ezekiel a little while ago, and for 15 chapters, i continued to read about how the Lord was so angry with Israel. the chapters seemed to echo each other, one after another, about how Jerusalem was an "abomination", and how they would be destroyed so that they knew that "I am the Lord".

for a while i thought, okay, i get the point! they were screwing up, and God was gunna do something about it.  i didn't quite understand why it was so repetitive, or even why God was this angry with the people. i began to think, maybe i don't really understand God's wrath afterall. or maybe i'm missing something.  why is this book so hard to read? i was trying to get something out of it to apply to my life. and that was just beyond selfish.  the bible is god's story to us, and we are fortunate enough to be a part of His story.  we're most definitely not here to mold God's story to constantly fit ours.

finally i decided, i'm going to journal about this. i wanted to write down some of the questions i had so that i could ask someone about it or look it up. and while doing it, i just realized how much i didn't understand. how i clearly could not see or understand God's wrath.  i even thought to myself, how would i ever explain this to a nonbeliever? i don't even get it myself.

But God [ha, russell] is just funny like that. and LOW AND BEHOLD, in the very next chapter came all of the answers i was looking for. God really broke it down for me. and i realized, that i was really breaking down for God.  The chapter revealed the whole story, back to the beginning during the creation of israel. the Lord explained how he loved his people so much, how he loved them when they knew no love, clothed them when they had no clothes, and just treated them so well. but then they became "whores", metaphorically [and i'm sure realistically as well], making themselves vaulted chambers at the corner of every street, sacrificing their children [or God's own children, rather], and making shrines for themselves.

God just wanted to love them. He wanted to give them the world.

But they took advantage of that. God says, "So you were different from other women in your whorings. No one solicited you to play the whore, and you gave payment, while no payment was given to you; therefore you were different". Wow, that is the ultimate sentence of disappointment.  that was when my heart just started to break for God.  it's like, we as humans completely stabbed him in the back, when he just wanted to give to us. No wonder He had wrath.  Look at the things we've done! And sooo much more.

It just made me realize how absolutely thankful i am to call Jesus my Lord and Savior.  He didn't have to do these things for me, He didn't have to rescue me from my sins and myself, but He did. and He loves me more than I deserve.

i'm just kind of in awe right now, as i'm slowly starting to peel back the layers and understand the character and traits of the Lord. I'm so grateful that He didn't keep me waiting with all my questions, and that He just revealed the answers to me, and so much more.

TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY. though i have much to do, and lots of work on my plate, i feel so ready to take on the world. the Lord gives me the strength and confidence to do what i gotta do.

i pray that whoever reads this just gets at least a little bit out of it. i don't mean to scare anyone away with all of these deep deep thoughts, but i just pray that you too would one day feel and experience this amazing life that i now know :)

♥nicky

the physical is attacking my emotional.

i am SO tired.

and i should probably go to bed right about now.

butttt. i just felt like blogging. ha!

it's crunch time now.  seems as though everything is piling up all of a sudden. and i think my lack of sleep or time to myself has really taken a toll on my emotional well-being.  i feel somewhat drained at the moment, but i think it's because i'm just physically THAT tired.

tonight's message at epic was rough.  the enemy always seems to have his way with me and public speaking... i was SO excited about this message today. but somehow he weasled his was in, at the most inappropriate time. maybe that's why i'm feeling this way right now? i don't know. I know God's got my back though, He always does. I just can't believe I let the enemy get the best of me, right as I was sharing the message! Bah.

on the bright side though, I had my appointment with the career services counselor today, and I am OH SO excited. she helped me through a lot, including formatting my resume, and doing better job research! we even found a job. that seems perfect for me! there was a listing for this communications group in HI with an opening that seemed to fit me exactly.  So I'm gunna do some more research and apply :) The Lord is so good.

anyway, time to go to bed! pray for me please. i need restttt.

♥nicky